In this post, you will learn about the first essential of communication and practical tips to level up your communication skills.
Suspend all judgment
Be curious for the benefit of the other person
Wait before you give advice.
A while ago I heard a joke about two guys trying to move a fridge, but for some reason, while halfway through the door they were stuck, the one pulled to this way and that way
but with no progress. Ultimately the one man leaned from behind the fridge and asked out of breath, “How will we ever get this fridge through this door and out of the house?” With surprise, the man on the other end of the fridge yelled out, “I thought we were trying to get the fridge into the house.” It might not be the best of jokes, but it rings true for a lot of communication that happens in our lives. I heard this quote once, “Just because there was an exchange of words does not mean that communication happened.” In this series, we will look at the essentials of communication and how to improve our communication skills.
The first aspect of communication comes from Stephan Covey’s The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. Covey highlights a vital aspect of communication that underlines all effective communication: “Seek to understand before trying to be understood.” According to Covey this aspect of communication sets you up for success because it changes the focus from self-centered communication to other-focused communication. You are, in other words, engaging in communication with the intent not to be ready with a response but first to understand the other person’s point of view and context at a heart and not function level. This powerful form of communication transforms our interaction with people from a mere exchange of words to an encounter where the other person feels validated and heard. It also forces us to be present in the conversation and focus on not only what the person is saying but also how they are saying it.
Here are three tips to grow in our ability to seek first to understand before we want to be understood:
Suspend all judgment.
When we suspend all judgment, we allow the person talking to be their full self without fear of being persecuted for a difference of opinion. Suspending all judgment does not mean just staying quiet while someone shares but truly adopting a no-judgment heart policy. The reason is that some scholars believe that 60 to 70 percent of communication happens through our body language, so even if you don’t say anything when you judge someone in your heart your body will say it before your words do.
Be curious for the benefit of the other person.
Many times, in conversation we hear something that resonates with our own story, interest of circumstances. Many of us in those moments unknowingly hijack the conversation by being curious about certain aspects of the conversation for our benefit and not to truly understand the other person. Being curious for the sake of the other person means stepping into their situation with them, and asking questions that assist in their reflection, and process.
Wait before you give advice.
All of us have a deep need to add value to every aspect of life that we are involved in. This need may sometimes jump up when someone expresses a need or challenge. The trick, however, is to understand if the person even wants our advice. Being too quick to give advice might reveal a lack of understanding and leave people feeling overlooked. Wait until the person asks for advice or if unsure ask permission before giving input.
Coach U
I want to challenge you this week to seek to understand first before you want to be understood. Look for opportunities in your social and professional conversations to practice:
1. Suspending all judgement
2. Being curious for the benefit of the other person.
3. Waiting before you give advice.
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